My Deadly Fiancee
by souchan
Summary: As an assassin, Soujiro finds himself in a bittersweet engagement with a peculiar girl whose sole mission is to get him killed. Satire on the many Mary Sue fics out there. UPDATED: Heartbreak for Soujiro
1. Find Me a Husband

**Disclaimer:** Me no own anything. Death to Mary-Sue.

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**Chapter One: Find Me a Husband**

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"...prospective bride from the Cherry Blossom Teahouse, seventeen of age, seeks compatible match for marriage...is demure, faithful, attractive..._who isn't these days?_ ...like a cherry blossom in the bloom..._more like cow manure to me... _Great devotion to domestic tasks...caring for children..._oh give me a break!..._family of noble lineage and WEALTH...for inquiry, contact Madame Chikiyo Matsuda. Women nowadays have absolutely neither dignity nor self-respect! They have no qualms about putting themselves up for sale like cattle in the market..."

Nose wrinked in disgust, Yumi tosses the newspaper onto the table with angry dignity.

"If you don't like the ads, why do you read them everyday?" Soujiro inquires with great curiosity.

"Well...I may not like the ads, but I detest the rest of the paper, which is all propaganda about what a glorious institution the Meiji government is. "Enlightenment" my foot..." Yumi trails off and hastens to Shishio's side as he comes into the room, in all of his bandaging glory. Unfortunately, Kamatari beats her to it.

"Shishio-sama, have I told you that you're the sexiest man alive?"

"Hands off, you...you...freak!" Yumi fumes, ready to tear Kamatari's hand off of the socket.

Soujiro looks amused, smiling a jaded smile. Shishio shows no interest in the catfight and settles himself in the leather bound couch while Houji talks enthusiastically about a new strategy that he claims to have a solid chance in boosting the progress of Shishio's domination campaign.

After a not so lengthy discussion, Shishio turns to Soujiro and utters an earth-shattering command:

"Soujiro, you're getting married."

His smile evidently twitches.

"For no reason at all?"

"Yes. Actually, I'm thinking that it's time we all get settled down and raise a big happy family. Most kids get married when they're ten years younger than you. How long are you gonna keep me waiting for grandkids, boy?"

His smile violently twitches. Marriage? Big happy family? Grandkids? Has the deadly summer heat gotten to Shishio's head?

"Come now, Shishio-sama, you've teased him enough." says Yumi.

"Poor kid looks like he's lost his marbles or something." Chou chimes in.

"Sou, you should see the look on your face now. It's priceless." Kamatari adds in his share of comments.

Houji decides to step in and clears up the cloud of confusion, lest Soujirou have his third mental breakdown of the week.

"The marriage is only a part of your next assignment. Your alliance with the daughter of the Cherry Blossoms Teahouse's owner will allow for infiltration into the Teahouse, which is really a ninja head quarter disguises as a brothel..."

"How original!" Kamatari cuts in.

"Then, you will have the opportunity to take over the ninja group by assassinating its leader, leaving the most extensive spy network in the city at our...err...Shishio-sama's disposal."

"Why don't you just let me kill off the ninja leader in the first place? Wouldn't that be less cumbersome?" Soujiro asks innocently.

Houji looks flustered that his ingenious plan is slighted.

"No! That'd be too easy! Where's all the excitement? The possibilities of drama, angst, romance, death and unrequited love? Don't you ever read? That's what happens in the novels all the time..." Everyone begins to edge away from the raving Houji.

"You mean the erotic novels you been stealing out of my room?" Kamatari cuts him off a second time; his tone sounds cold and threatening.

"Eerr...that is entirely explainable..." Now Houji begins to edge away from Kamatari's scythe.

Annoyed with the absurd antics of his subordinates, Shishio gives a great "AHEM" and asks Yumi to get Soujiro groomed and polished and arrange a meeting with the matchmaker and the bride.

Thus, Soujirou is to be married without any regard to his consent. This is no serious matter though, since he is underage, Shishio has taken the liberty to give his parental consent.

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Oniko bows as deeply as her injured neck would allowed before her mother who is flipping through porn magazines and chuckling with licentious delight. This will be the last time Oniko asks her mother for any favor, except for giving birth to her, be it a favor at all.

"Mama, I...have...a request..."

"Before you badger me with your silly girl problems, answer this: did you kill Achi like I told you too?"

"No, Mama. I didn't kill...Achi...like...you..told...me to."

"You idiot!"

Oniko's mother tosses the porn magazine ruthlessly at her daughter's face. Oniko shudders profusely at what her virgin eyes have just been exposed to. She never thought that post-menstrual ladies could be so...dirty.

"What...I mean...is...I...did...kill...Achi, but not...like...you...told me to."

"How so?"

"You...told...me...to cut...off his...head, but I...stabbed...his... heel...instead."

"Why?"

"The...man's right...foot...was...crushing...my windpipe...his left foot...was...about..to make a...pancake...out of...my face...I had to ...stab his heel...after which...he...collapsed...with...an aweful...roar...and...died...from...herrmohage..."

"Why didn't you tell me so?"

"But, Mama, I...did...tell...you...so...just...now...The man's...right..."

Oniko's mother throws another porn booklet at her daughter's face to shut her up. After the foolish girl had recovered from a massive nosebleed, the choleric woman proceeds:

"Now, what favor did you intend to ask of me?"

"I want...to get married."

-Speak up! Even a rat farts louder than you speak!

Oniko'd obey her Mama like the subservient daughter that she is, except that her windpipe is severely damaged from the enemy's crushing it. All she could do is wheezing feebly while pointing at the stiff cast enclosing her neck.

"Oh, that explains why you were making those annoying pauses in between. Now, repeat what you tried to request of me."

"I...want...to get married."

"What for? Then, you have kids! Don't make that mistake like I did with your fatheaded father!"

"So I...won't have to...work for you...anymore."

"What's wrong with assassinating depraved politicians and aiding your own mother in her glorious campaign to world domination?"

Again, Oniko points emphatically to her neckcast. Her face is bright red either from fever or exasperation. Or both. She continues to wheeze:

"The rules...say...only singles...can..serve...in...your cohort."

The mother nods solemnly in acknowledgement.

"That is true. But..."

Oniko gazes at her mother with the desperate look of a rat begging the cat to spare its pitiful life. There are so much distress, despair, and depression in her eyes, they'd implode any moment.

"...who would marry you?"

The mother chortles with all the wickedness a 50 years old retired courtesan is capable of.

Enraged with utter fury, Oniko jumps to her feet and snatches the porn booklet out of her mother's clutch and shreds it to little pieces and spits on the guy's naked half ass. She looks at her indignant mother squarely in the eye and declares as loudly as her windpipe-crushed, wheezy voice could manage:

"I can...find...a...husband...and...I...will!"

The room becomes eerily still. Both mother and daughter can hear their own heartbeats. Out of the blue, an invisible rat farted.

Five moments of quietness later.

The mother offers her daughter a cordial look.

"Sorry sweetie. But the rat is still louder than you."

In spite of that, this is the first time in her pitifully obedient life that Oniko asserts herself to the tyrannical mother that she fears more than the boogeyman. She feels like a big shot. No, she IS a big shot. Her self-esteem is at a high point that it's never dreamed of before. Oniko wishes that she had had the courage to stand up to her mother earlier--much, much earlier, like the time when her mother gives her a sword to play with and tells her to cut people up as a game... But there's a first time for everything, Oniko comforts herself. If she'd persevere, someday she might get herself out of this hellhole and even lead a normal life.

"A normal life...What are you, a retard?"

Squinty-Eyed girl--a young courtesan/assassin in the cohort--laughs with contempt when Oniko tells her of her marriage plans. The girl exhales little puffs from her nostrils before passing on the opium pipe to her friend, High-Cheekbone girl.

High-Cheekbone girl looks at Oniko with dreamy, langurous eyes:

"Oniko-chaaaan...Don't talk of such dreadful thing! We have such a sheltered life here under Madam's wings. Where else can you find food, clothes, and pipe served on a silver platter? If you want a man, you could always ask for Madam's permission to take a lover..."

"Don't even talk to me about men. I'm so sick of all the perverts squirming around this place like maggots!"

Greatly annoyed, Oniko turns on her heels and stomps away.

Behind her back, High-Cheekbone girl calls out in a lazy voice:

"Don't be foolish. It's a cold, cruel world out there, Oniko-chaaaannn..."

What do these potheads know, thinks Oniko. They have been so brain-washed by her mother that they can't even tell a chicken from a peacock anymore. This brothel is the only life they know of, without it, they feel deprived.

It's scary what the wicked woman is capable of with a little opium and a lot of conditioning.

Nontheless, it's about time somebody stands up to her.

You coward, chides a harsh voice in her head. It's just a broken neck. Need I remind you that the greatest honor a warrior can hope for is dying for the master? Do you forget the meaning of loyalty? You're lucky you aren't yet compelled to commit suicide just for thinking of treason alone. Loyalty, Oniko, loyalty, loya...

To hell with loyalty. What good is honor if all that's left of me is a screwed-up, mangled, bludgeoned piece of mince meat? There's no happiness in dying. I'd die before I'd let her drag me into another death mission. Oh, isn't that ironic?

Having made up her mind for real this time, Oniko gathers the meager savings that she accumulates over the years through selling her shares of opium to the other girls and visits Madame Chikiyo Matsuda, the most sought-after local matchmaker.

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edited July 25th, 2007


	2. The Desperate Bride

**Disclaimer:** Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki. Death to Mary Sue

Figured I should keep this going while waiting for something inspirational to come to me with the other story, "On Soujiro".

I've decided to make a couple of changes, including condensing and rearranging the chapters and switching the dialogue style to the standard quotation marks since some reader(s) may be confused by it. I also would like to make it clear that the "female shinobi falls in love with the enemy" cliche' is MEANT to be satiric (it's rather sad that some people can't recognize satire even if it hits them in the face).

Now that we're on the same page, let's proceed.

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**Chapter Two: The Desperate Bride**

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The date with the matchmaker and future bridegroom finally arrives. Since Oniko had spent every yen of her savings to pay for the matchmaker's service, she has no other choice than to do her own hair and makeup. After a strenuous five-hours war with the kimono and wig and cosmetics, she strides out of her room and presents herself before Squinty-Eyed girl with a delusional confidence.

"How do I look?"

Oniko cocks her head to a side. Not that she wants to look cute or anything, just simply because the 16-kilogram monstrous wig is murdering her fragile, recently broken neck.

Glancing at the other girl's gaudy rent kimono, cheap obi, and hideous makeup, Squinty-Eyed girl tries to offer a comment in the most civil manner possible:

"You look like shit".

Well, so much for civility there.

"Thanks. I'll remember to break your neck after I get out of this fabric coffin."

Despite her constant attempt to catch a full breath, Oniko feels unbearably dizzy and farcical inside her tightly wound kimono. For all her life, she has never donned an actual formal kimono--the reason being that she has no dough for it. Sadly, now that she finally gets her hand on one, Oniko looks pitifully facetious--like a dressed-up clown for others' amusement. Never will she forget this day--the day when she must forgo her dignity for the sake of getting a husband, just as so many women have been driven to do before her.

"You do know that the person you're talking to is the top-notch make up artist in the house, don't you?"

Smirking, Squinty-Eyed girl takes another drag of smoke and waits for the answer. Today will also be the day that the overly proud Oniko eats a slice of humble pie.

"I haven't got any opium now, but when the next batch arrives..." Oniko starts to speak, but Squinty-Eyed girl cuts her off indignantly:

"I'm very sad that your opinion of me is so low. Do you always think that I'm an opium whore who doesn't have any self-respect?"

A little suspicion hovers over Oniko's mind. Why is Squinty-Eyed girl so nice to her all of the sudden? But being at least somewhat tactful and greatly desperate, Oniko apologizes passionately and implores the other girl to bestow her divine talent upon her, a poor girl who's at her wits' ends and doesn't have anyone to turn to.

This humble act deeply satisfies Squinty-Eyed girl. She then puts down her pipe and whisks Oniko away to her room and begins to work her magic. Two hours swing by quickly. Squinty-Eyed girl finally steps back and casts a satisfied look on Oniko, as an artist would a work of art.

Staring at herself in the mirror, Oniko is at a loss for words. She no longer look like a clown! In all honesty, if you look at her at a safe distance, say, one block away, she actually resembles a human being. Although what kind of human being in their right mind would don a neckbreaking 16 kg of wig and walk on tip toe like an obese penguin is another story.

"What now, are you too awestruck by my talent that you're speechless?"

"...Honestly, I look like a whore."

Squinty-eyed girl laughs good-naturedly.

"You look like a pretty whore, which is what nine and a half out of ten men want anyways."

"Thank you so very much. If this helps me a husband, you shall have my eternal gratitude."

"Actually, two weeks' opium will do." Squinty-eyed girl grins ever so innocently.

Oniko rolls her eyes in exasperation and steps out to the teahouse courtyard, waiting for the carriage. But Squinty-Eyed girl says to her:

"Madame took the carriage and went somewhere with High-cheekbone girl."

Damn. Only two hours until the date. If she were paranoid, she'd think that her mother had done it on purpose to thwart her plan.

"It's all right, I'll just order a rickshaw for you. That is, if you don't mind the arriving in low style."

"I'm not that shallow. A rickshaw is perfect."

So she goes. While waiting for the rickshaw, Squinty-Eyed girl inquires Oniko of her match's background.

"According to the matchmaker, he is the only son and sole heir of a petroleum empire. His father is one of those big dogs in the business, and his mother comes from the same family as the current Emperor's wife. His name..."

Oniko takes out a piece of paper and finishes reading off the descriptions.

"...is Seta Soujiro. Only eighteen, yet he is a profound and accomplished swordsman. Overall, a poised and well-educated gentleman, popular with ladies etcetera."

"You don't honestly believe in all that stuff, do you?"

"Of course not, I even prepared myself of the possibility that he might turn out to be a wrinkly old man, a homosexual, a conman, a retard...even a psychopath. Nontheless, I will dump him as soon as I get the marriage certificate and stick it in Mama's face."

"Well, just don't get sidetracked and lose your head if he turns out to be a sexy hunk of a man. There have been a great many shinobi who started out as determined as you but then get entangled in a messy affair of love and loyalty and guilt and passion and finally end up six feet under the cold hard earth."

"You been watching too many pirated Korean dramas hun. ", says Oniko as she steps up the rickshaw and going to meet her destiny.

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Oniko is excessively annoyed by the time the rickshawman had circled the city twice and they still haven't gotten anywhere remotely close to the designated restaurant. Oniko can sense that something is very wrong. Even the most gullible person could come up with the possibility that this rickshawman is also part of the conspiracy to foil Oniko's every attempt.  
"Mister, please stop right here. I'm getting off."

"Oh no, you're not going anywhere, Miss." He jerks around and sneers at Oniko.

Before Oniko can make a move (treacherous kimono!), a big net springs from above and casts over her. At the end of the ropes which tighten the net are the rickshawman and another three accomplices. Being professional kidnappers, they swiftly and thoroughly tie her up and toss her in a wooden cage they've brought along for security.

Bastards! Oniko grinds her teeth and yells out to them:

"Hey! Whatever my mother is paying you, I'll double it if you let me go."

The rickshawman appears unmoved at this offer:

"Madame already anticipated that you'd make that proposition, and she told us that you have jack squat."

Never does Oniko want to punch her mother in the face so much--yes, she'd surely go to hell for it, but it'd feel so good to give that devious, lecherous, malicious woman a black eye.

"No need to rattle your cage (pun, haha!). We'll let you go as soon as the date is over."

With that, the four men chain the cage to a cart-wheeled horse and commands it to move in the direction of the city's outskirts.

Oniko is truly desperate now.

And desperate times call for desperate measures. She emits an ear-piercing wail:

"You will sorely regret this! .. Even if I die trying!!!!"

Having attracted the men's attention, Oniko whips out a small knife and cuts her wrist--or at least appears to. In either cases, she shoves her bleeding wrist to the kidnappers' faces and puts on a melodramatic and agonizing death scene. The blood's continuous oozing and Oniko's pale face of grisly death are genuinely convincing--so convincing that the kidnappers have no choice but to let her out lest she really would die. She is, after all, their boss' daughter, and her mother'd pull out all of their finger and toe nails if some mishap befalls the girl.

Oniko, who is perfectly aware of this fact, sticks the knife into a kidnapper's eye, kicks off her wooden clogs at the other two's faces, jumps on the horse, and makes a run for it.

Like she said, she will get married even if it means her die trying.


	3. The Impostor

**Disclaimer:** Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki. Death to Mary-Sue.

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**Chapter Three: The Impostor**

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Cherry Blossoms Teahouse. 

Yumi busies herself with last-minute adjustments to Soujiro's appearance. Fastening a button here, straightening his gi there, etcetera. Stepping back, she scans him from head to toes and finally nods her head approvingly in a motherly manner. Donning a formal white gi with dark blue hakama, his hair carefully combed, Soujiro is a bona fide charming gentleman.

"Are you nervous, boy?"

"Nervous?" He smiles at her quizzically. "Why would I be nervous?"

Yumi makes a mental note not to bring up emotions while talking to Soujiro. It's just about as meaningful as explaining quantum physics to a toddler.

"You're going to do fine." She slides the door opened and enters the tea room with Soujiro followed suit.

The sight of the prospective bride leaves Soujiro speechless.

Snow-white skin, sparkling violet eyes, lashes as dark as night, high cheek bones, pouty luscious lips, long crimson hair done in an elaborate courtesan style...

He can't stop blinking his eyes, as if wanting to make sure what he's seeing is real.

The matchmaker giggles gleefully to Yumi, "Looks like love at first sight for the young master. Shall we go to another room to discuss further arrangements with the bride's mother while leaving these two to themselves?"

So they go.

From the look of the handsome young man, the High-cheekbone bride is certain that he has been completely captivated by her beauty. After all, she is the epitome of gorgeousness herself. Confident with that assumption, she opens her mouth to speak, without forgetting to put on an air of standard lady-like coyness.

"Would you like some tea, sir? And shall we take a stroll in the garden afterward?"

Soujiro takes the tea that she offers to him. "I have something I'd like to ask you, that is..."

"Yes, sir?"

"If you don't think me being too forward..."

_Being too forward? Does he want me that much already_? The High-cheekbone bride edges closer to the handsome young man, deliberately raising her hand and letting the sleeve fall back seductively to reveal the ivory wrist. She flutters her lashes and pouts her lips and waits for him to kiss her.

"Whatever you ask of me, I shall obey..."

"Is it possible that you..."

_Untie my obi? Take off my kimono? Going to bed with you?_

"are Himura the Battousai's daughter?"

The High-cheekbone bride almost swallows her tongue. Her eyes are as wide as saucers. It takes her a full two minutes to utter these words, "H...himura Battou-what?"

Soujiro smiles at her sheepishly. "My apologies, miss. It's just the...red hair and purple eyes. The two of you are probably the only people with red hair and purple eyes in the entire country of Japan, I couldn't shake off the thought that you might somehow..."

At that moment, a dove whizzes through the window, past the bride, lands on the tea table and smashes a tea cup. The High-cheekbone bride almost swallows her tongue a second time.

There is a note tied to the dove. It reads:

_Soujiro, _

_Sessha does NOT have an out-of-wedlock daughter. Kaoru-dono is VERY upset and is hunting for sessha as we speak. Do NOT make that kind of senseless assumption again, or you will face the wrath of Battousai's Amakakeru Ryu no---itai! Kaoru-dono!_

The rest is illegible.

"Whoa, talk about express mail. Come here, birdie, come here." Soujiro motions to the dove, which takes the bride's hair for an excellent nest and attempts to settle itself in it.

"Get this filthy bird out of my hair!" No longer coy or demure, the High-cheekbone bride snaps at him.

"That's a good birdie. Does that mean lady frighten you?" Soujiro coos to the bird as he strokes its feather and releases it to the sky. "I think we've talked enough. Shall we go to the other room?" Having said that, he stands up and leaves the room, with a more than rattled bride behind him.

"What do you think of my daughter?" The woman called Madame gives Soujiro the creeps. She wouldn't stop leering at him from the moment he steps into the room. It feels like she's undressing him with her eyes. Eew.

"She's alright. Not too fond of birds though."

"What do you think of me?" Madame places her hand on top of Soujiro's. The word 'letcher' is written all over her face.

Like a Buddha coming to Soujiro's rescue, Yumi brushes the letcherous woman aside and turns to the matchmaker. "I suppose we are done for today."

"No, you are NOT!"

Everyone turn to the door, where stands a bloody, sweaty, disheveled, and **very** angry young woman. It is Oniko who has escaped from her kidnappers.

"I am the real bride." Pointing to the High-cheekbone bride, Oniko proclaims, "She is an impostor."


	4. Pick a Bride

**Disclaimer:** Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki. Death to Mary-Sue.

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**Chapter Four: Pick-a-Bride**

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"What is the meaning of this?" Yumi turns to the other three women, demanding an answer. Her patience is wearing thin. 

"Guards, guards! Get this lunatic out of here!" The matchmaker makes a run for the door. Being so caught up in her franticness, she trips on her kimono, falls headfirst onto the floor and goes into a coma. Although Soujiro thinks that the scene is freaking hilarious, he has to stifles his laughter because laughing at old people's misfortunes doesn't really go with his 'sweety-sweet-sweety' image.

"You evil woman! How could you backstab your own daughter!" Gritting her teeth, Oniko yanks off the 16 kilograms wig she's wearing and hurls it at her mother. Thanks to a lifetime of extensive ninja training, Madame dodges with incredible ease.

"I'm confused." Soujiro dislikes complicated machinations as much as the abstract philosophies of life. Thinking too much about them tends to throw him into a psycho-emotional breakdown.

"Alright, I am going to ask these two girls a question. A question only my real daughter would know." Madame pauses for dramatic effect. "What is..."

Suspense hangs in the air like a taut string that would snap any second.

"...the name of..."

**This is the moment of truth.**

"my favorite porn magazine?"

Everyone who has been listening up until now has a massive dead-panned face, except for Soujiro, who is turning to Yumi with innocent curiosity, "Yumi-san, what's porn?"

Oniko is speechless. On the contrary, High-cheekbone girl has the upper hand because she's the one who diligently delivers the adult materials to Madame's office.

"Nudeweek." She exclaims with a triumphant smile while simultaneously thrusting out the said magazine for a demonstration. Yumi's hands fly up to cover Soujiro's eyes at the speed of lightning, just in time to shield his pure innocent soul from one of the most obscene, hard-core porn publication known to mankind.

"Put **that** away, right now!" Yumi is fuming with all the furious indignation a parent would have.

"Yumi-san, why are you covering my eyes--I wanna see it!" Soujiro pouts. Yumi's hands are still clamped tight to his eyes; she only takes them off when the magazine is removed from eyesight.

Hands akimbo, Yumi glares at Madame with disgust, "You better watch it, pervert." Then, to put an end to all this senseless absurdity so she can go home and enjoy a nice hot bubble bath with Shishio, Yumi takes the two girls by the hand and have them stand before Soujiro.

What a dilemma for Soujiro. Will he pick the stunningly beautiful red-haired, violet-eyed (not Kenshin's lovechild) goddess? Or will he miraculously find his match in the filthy, bloody, slovenly twerp who looks like she's been ran over by a carriage?

The answer seems clear, ladies and gentlemen, as Soujiro leans in closer to the High cheekbone girl, who is giddy with glee.

"Suppose I get involved in a vicious battle with a random masterswordsman-wanderer, who throws me into a serious psycho-emo-physical breakdown by reminding me of my extremely traumatic childhood, destroying the entire foundation of my life's purpose while tearing me in half with his ougi that hurts like hell. I end up alive but utterly confused and in pain. What would you do?"

Piece of cake, High cheekbone girl thinks to herself. Eyes sparkling ever-so-shiny, she clasps her hands in an angelic manner and rattles on:

"I would throw myself in front of the sword to protect you--my beloved--but I shall die a gloriously sorrowful death in the process. You shall hold me in your arms, mingle your tears with mine as I smile very peacefully and beautifully and assures you that I shall become your angel and forever guide you to the path of righteousness. For seventy days everyone who know me will mourn my self-sacrifice and their tears will flood the world, washing away the sins of mankind. The gods will be so moved that they'd make me immortal so that I become the guardian angel of all that is beautiful and righteous, establishing world peace for ever and ever."

While Yumi rolls her eyes in disgust, Soujiro tries to piece together an approriate comment, "That...sounds great, except that it's humanly impossible." Turning to the other girl, he asks, "What about you?"

Instead of answering, Oniko steps up to Soujiro and gives him a hug. Taken back by this unexpected act, Soujiro pushes her away. His wide eyes are filled with astonishment and he is no longer smiling.

"Why did you do that?"

"It seems like the right thing to do." Oniko says, "And of course, I'd take you to the doctor if I can't patch you up myself."

Yumi claps her hands together, glad that it's all over. "Daughter or not daughter, looks like she's the one."

"B...but...I'm so pretty! My answer was passionate and flawless! How could he not pick me?" Wailing dramatically, High cheekbone girl clutches her heart and faints because of the pain of rejection.

Grinding her teeth, Madame scowls at a victorious Oniko, "You're going to regret this, you twerp. This shall be war between us."


	5. Madame's Convoluted scheme

**Disclaimer:** Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki. Death to Mary-Sue.

**Author's Note:** I just passed the hellish driving test today! Wheeeeeeee!! Here's a new chapter to celebrate the occasion. Enishi makes a cameo appearance in this chapter. Warning: Enishi's (and others') potty mouth.

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**Chapter Five: Madame's Convoluted Scheme**

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Despite what we have witnessed until now, Madame is not completely the ruthless, evil, lecherous she-demon that the author makes her out to be. Like any other ex-geisha/shinobi retired woman, Madame regularly devotes herself to various social activities such as conducting Fascism worship sessions, lecturing at the annual _Women RULE_ seminars, and donating to local orphanages (after securing a contract that binds the orphans as her slaves, of course). To sum it up, Madame is a highly accomplished woman for her age. 

And this highly accomplished woman has no way of understanding why Oniko, that bird-brain twerp of a renegade, fails to appreciate her magnificent political agenda. Her attempt at backstabbing...err...intercepting her daughter at the matchmaker meeting was a pathetic failure, one that angers Madame so much that she has stress pimples for days. Now, if only Madame can come up with a devious scheme that would thwart Oniko's marriage while simultaneously ridding herself of the Tenken, the smiley right-hand man of her sole opponent in the future dictator campaign.

However, Madame can't devise such convoluted scheme without receiving inspiration from her muse.

"You!" She snaps at High-cheekbone Girl, who is still moping from the pain of rejection. "Bring me my beauties."

High-cheekbone Girl stares up at the irritated Madame with vacant eyes while taking another drag of smoke.

"I lost my motivation."

All Madame has to do is to wave a little bag of opium in front of the girl's face. She perks up like a dog at the sight of a treat:

"My motivation is back!"

Having said so, she retrieves from Madame's closet a big box that contains 213 collectible figurines of Madame's favorite porn stars.

"Oh my sexy beauties...Give me strength! Oh my babies!" Gushing ecstatically, Madame hugs the sex dolls to her sagging bosoms. She can feel the inspiration surging through her like some kind of powerful orgasmic aura.

A light bulb subsequently goes off in her head, illuminating an invidious scheme.

"Get Oniko in my office," orders Madame, gleefully sipping on her tea.

At the sight of Oniko, Madame sputters wildly, spewing tea all over the girl, who is sporting a bizarre pair of sunglasses, Western boots, and a silvery white spiky hairdo.

After getting over the initial WTF shock, Madame laughs derisively in Oniko's face:

"Is that a porcupine nest on your head? And who the hell wears shades like that?"

As soon as she finishes, Yukishiro Enishi knocks down the door and storms into the office and punches Madame hard in the face, knocking out her fake teeth in the process.

"Don't you be trash-talking my style, bitch!"

Then, the psychotic mafia boss wheels around to face a bewildered Oniko. His eyes gleam with a murderous aura.

Gulp.

"And you, quit jacking my style, dammit!" Enishi bellows as he strangles Oniko. Just as he is about to squeeze the life out of her, Enishi suddenly shoves the girl away, clutches his head and runs out the door, screaming with much angst, "Tomoe, Tomoe!" the whole way.

Madame explodes at her poor, strangled daughter as soon as her teeth are back in place: "What kind of crap are you trying to pull this time?"

"Well, I took a couple of self-assertive courses over at Misao-kun's Aoiya." Oniko confesses meekly, "She recommended that I should welcome change into my life." But Oniko now sees that changing her image was a very bad idea, especially if it is potentially offensive to certain sword-wielding, traumatized lunatics. She takes off the 'Enishi getup'.

"Never mind those ripoff self-improvement classes. I have a new assignment for you."

"But I'm getting married! I don't have to do any more mission if I get married! It says so in The Book!" Oniko protests, jabbing her finger into The Book, which contains many lengthy rules and regulations for all the shinobi who work under Madame.

"Ah ah ah." Madame raises her index finger and points to the tiny superscript under _'Regulation 78: Shin obi are free of required obligations when they enter a contract of marriage'_. Oniko takes out a pocket microscope and reads where Madame's finger indicates:

_However, they are obligated to fulfill a** last assignment** as deemed necessary and proper by the Shinobi leader.'_

"That...that's NOT fair!" Oniko exclaims resentfully.

"Life isn't fair. Now, the objective of this assignment is to eliminate Tenken no Soujiro."

"Who's he?" Oniko draws a blank.

"He's your goddamn fiance'!" Madame yells at the absent-minded girl, popping a stress dimple on her chin. "The freaky smiling kid that works for Shishio Makoto!"

"Shishio Makoto...wait, I think I has it. Buff, ugly overcoat, huge ego, right?"

"That's Seijuro Hiko."

Fifty miles away, deep in the woods, Seijuro Hiko the 13th is leisurely chugging down a jug of sake. At the notion of his name, he sneezes violently, spewing sake all over. Shaking his majestic fist at the sky, he curses out loud, "Who's talking crap about me?!"

"Moody, outdated trench coat, has an inferiority complex and talks to ghosts?"

"That's Shinomori Aoshi."

"I give up."

Slapping her own forehead in exasperation, Madame drags Oniko by the hair next to a spying telescope. She turns the knob to where it says 'Mt. Hiei' and presses Oniko's eye against the lens.

"What do you see?"

"A crispy man...and a nude woman...making out in the hot tub...Kami-sama! My virgin eyes!" Oniko jumps back, hands clutching her de-virgined eyes in despair.

"Back to the assignment, you are to eliminate the Tenken, do you understand me?"

Oniko cogitates deeply on this command. After a long while, she speaks with caution, "But if I kill the Tenken, who is my fiance'...I won't have a fiance' to get married with. And if I refuse this assignment...and not kill him...I can't get married because of the rules."

"That is absolutely right." Madame smirks triumphantly, congratulating herself on her convoluted, catch-22 scheme while Oniko is pulling her hair out in frustration. Complicated machinations are enemy to her simple mind.

"However, since you are my birth daughter, I am willing to make an exception to the rules. If you eliminate the Tenken for me now, I will allow you to marry _after_ I kick Shishio's ass and become the supreme ruler of the world." _'Not that you'd be alive when that happens._' Madame chuckles to herself. "If you fail to do so before the wedding date, your marriage automatically becomes void, and..."

Oniko interrupts her mother sheepishly, "Question: why does the Tenken go through all the trouble of marrying me? I mean, he could've just 'shukuchi-ed' in here and wipe out your futile army of stoned shinobi anytime."

"I don't know. We're lucky that Shishio has a shit-head strategist. Now, where was I?"

"You're at...'your marriage automatically becomes void, and...'" Oniko quotes her mother word for word.

"And you will be punished!"

Remembering Misao's advice, Oniko musters her meager courage and proclaims defiantly, "Whip me all you want. I'd rather die than going on another death mission!"

Madame grins maliciously, "Who said I'm going to whip you? Oh no, I'm not that cold-hearted! I'm just going to parade you naked around the marketplace."

Oniko's defiance withers like a plant coming in contact with hydrochloric acid. Her wobbly legs collapse beneath her and she feels just about as tough as overcooked soba noodles. Like it or not, she is going on another death mission, to assassinate her own fiance'. Angst plagues her mind; all she can think of this moment is...

_Those self-improvement classes are such a rip-off. _

* * *

**Next Chapter:** How will Soujiro respond when he learns his fiancee is out to get him? 


	6. The Invitations are Out!

Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer apply. I'm not retyping this for the rest of the story.

**Chapter 6: The Invitations are Out!**

* * *

When High CheekBone Girl learns about the contract forced upon Oniko, she can hardly contain her enthusiasm . Being a smart girl, she sees this as a golden opportunity to gain points with Soujiro, the adorable, dreamy, hunkalicious gentleman that she often fantasizes going to bed with (but never would admit because she is after all a virtuous, angelic girl or so it seems). Without wasting time, High CheeckBone Girl rushes off to warn Soujiro of the malicious scheme against his well being. Surely after knowing what kind of scum that Oniko is, he'd thank her profusely and fall in love with her passionately.

As expected, Soujiro greets her with his trademark heavenly smile. Doubtlessly, it must be the real reason for his title Tenken no Soujiro. Think about it, a flash of Soujiro's gorgeous smile is enough to render everyone from male assassins to female assassins to sexually confused assassins as a helpless puddle of starry eyed goo. But enough about that, let us move on to Soujiro's reaction at the news about his impending assassination.

"Is that all?"

High Cheekbone Girl's eyes would have bulge out like a frog's had the Mary Sue Guidebook forbid such undignified and ugly expression.

"Didn't you listen to what I said, my love? That treacherous twerp, your fiancee, is plotting your death!"

"I know. She's following the rules."

"What rules?"

Soujiro then procedes to take out a chunky hardcover book and shows it to High CheekBone Girl. The cover reads '_Everything you need to know about trashy romance fanfics, the new edition with a bonus chapter on Mary Sue'._

"I swiped this from Hoji's room. Good grief, and I thought I had issues. Anyway, look at page 137:

'**_Rule # 50:_ **_99.99 of the time in trashy romance fics set in OLD TIME Japan (when people wear kimonos and ride horses and brandish swords randomly in public even though it was against the law), the male protagonist will encounter a love interest who is actually a shinobi, or female ninja, in disguise, plotting his demise. However, after several convenient incidents, such as the two being stranded together in a shack through a stormy night, or the female ninja grudgingly (not really) being rescued by the male protagonist from a foe, the shinobi realizes her undying love for him and they fall in love, which will lead to one, sometimes two, angsty tragic deaths._

_Question: What if the shinobi doesn't fall for the male lead?_

_Answer: She's probably a lesbian.'_

There you have it. Love is pretty much like quantum physics to me; I'll never get it, so I'm just gonna play along and humor Shishio-san a little." Soujiro concludes with a knowledgable air.

High Cheekbone Girl can no longer stand this outrageousness. She starts yanking her hair out and bellows like a cow, "Are you MAD or GAY? Why aren't falling for me? You're supposed to love me and worship me and tell me how beautiful and special I am! It's all about me, me me memememememeeeeeeee!!"

Soujiro would very much like to shut this raving lunatic up for good but he realizes that he had left his sword in his room, next to his beloved plushie, Mr. Binky Rabbit. Damn. He has no choice but walk away.

But apparently High Cheekbone Girl isn't done yet. As soon as his back is turned, she starts crying for help. A bunch of thugs who had conveniently popped out of nowhere are holding pointy swords against her throat while making dirty comments about her boobs.

"Soujiro help me!"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Because I'm a damsel in distress whom you are bound to love! Help!"

"Sorry, I gotta go. Wedding invitations don't deliver themselves, you know, even though I wish they do...wouldn't that be nice, letters that magically get processed through a complex network made up of layers of code, like a, like a..." Soujiro seems to be in deep thoughts, "like a web! And the mail could be sent virtually anywhere!...But that's too good to be true", he sighs dismissively, "anyway, I gotta go."

Then, Soujiro walks off, very much in his own little world, completely oblivious to the High Cheekbone Girl yelling in the background.

* * *

Oniko is pissed. She hates her mother. She hates all humanity. In fact, she feels like she would bite somebody's head off if they were to bother her right now while she is sipping sake in a tavern trying to calm her nerves.

"Hey baby, what's a cute chick like you doing alone in a bar?"

Oniko looks at the offender with deadly blazing eyes. She rises out of her seat like a ferocious tiger and chomps his head off, causing blood to spurt everywhere while she spits it out and crackles maniacally at all the pitiful creatures in the tavern quaking with terror...

Well, at least that's how it would be in her head.

Oniko wearily puts her cup down and stands up, facing the stupid scumbag, "Your fly is open."

The guy laughs, very sure of himself, "No it ain't."

"Yeah it is."

As the guy looks down, Oniko promptly headbutts him. He falls back in an unconscious heap on the floor. Oniko walks to the counter, extremely pissed at the manager.

"What kind of beep bar is this when you can't even drink sake in peace? I swear, every time, EVERY beeping beep time I try to have a drink, some stupid beep will come up to me and try to feel me up. What is wrong with people these days? Why don't you try sparing a little profit and hire security guards, huh? You cheapskate, I am NEVER coming in here again!"

As she is about to stomp out, the manager caught her by the shoulder, "My apologies, but you still have to pay for your drink."

Oniko explodes right then and there:

"Pay for my drink huh is that what you want? That's all you want isn't it, your money stupid beep just like my stupid beep mother; all she wants is porn and money, all the time, I want this I want that I want I want I want, get this for me, Oniko, do that for me Oniko, me me me me mememememeeeee! Wanting to get me killed by crazed-ass assassins isn't enough for her, no, she just has to go and foil my one chance at having a normal life and now I can't get married without killing the Tenken but if I do kill him who would I marry..." Oniko stops ranting, having noticed that the bar is eerily quiet all of the sudden.

"Did...did you say Tenken?" asked one guy who looks so scared like he's about to pee in his pants.

"Yeah, Tenken."

"Like...Tenken no Soujiro?"

"Something like that."

At that point, chaos break loose. It's every man for himself as every one rushes out of the tavern, screaming bloody murder at the top of their lungs. The tavern was deserted at breakneck speed.

Right then, Oniko realizes she is very very much screwed if she tries to lay a hand on the smiling assassin that she were to marry.

* * *

At the Kamiya dojo, an intense, earth-shattering battle is taking place between our favorite swirly eyed ex-Hitokiri Battousai and the equally adored psychotic ex-Mafia boss Enishi Yukishiro.

"I won't let you hurt my friends, Enishi! I will never let anyone die in front of me again!" Kenshin lunges at Enishi with his godlike speed.

"You're going to hell, Himura. I will kill your woman and all your pathetic little friends, only then will my nee-san in heavens smile down on me..." Enishi propels himself at Kenshin, getting ready to strike.

"Excuse me!"

The two swordsmen skid to a halt and turn to the source of that annoying chirpy voice that had interrupted their epic battle. The Kenshingumi and the Jinchuu gang also grudgingly halt their fights and turn to look.

Soujiro looks happily oblivious despite the fact that all eyes bearing death glares are on him:

"Um, sorry for the interruption, it's just that...well, I'm kinda getting married, and Shishio-san wanted me to give you guys these invitations 'cause he'd like to brag that he's better than you all now that he has a nice family and that I'm getting married while you guys are still angsty and mentally unstable...but anyway, I'd appreciate it if you'd come...oh hey Yukishiro-kun, Shishio-san wants his refund on the Purgatory..."

Everybody simultaneously explodes at once:

"NO refund! Get out of my hair, you stupid smiling beep!!"

"Look Soujiro, sessha is very busy right now and does NOT beeping appreciate you interrupting me. Sessha will deal with you later!"

"Hold on, the smiley freak is getting married?"

"Who is he? Another Jinchuu guy?"

"Hey I thought Shishio's gone for good! Trust me I watched all the reruns. Like that part when Yumi was like shielding him with her body and the jerk was like, run the sword through her, just to get a scratch at Battousai and..."

"Shut up Otowa! Nobody cares about your Anime fetish!"

"Can we hurry this up? I kinda need to go pee."

As emotionally challenged as Soujiro is, he knows that he had picked a bad time to deliver invitations. And since he doesn't wish to deal with Himura AND Enishi who are both pissed beyond all words and even more emotionally unstable than he was during the battle at Mt. Hiei, Soujiro quickly leaves the invitations behind and shukuchi his way out of there.


	7. Love Potion

**Chapter 7: The Love Potion**

* * *

Sunday at the Shishio residence.

The man of the house is lounging on the couch in his usual badass way, counting the obituaries to see how many kills had been his own.

"Smashed my own record, baby." He whistles, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, but not quite so loud that it belies any excitement, because that wouldn't be cool for his tough guy image.

"That's very impressive, Shishio-sama" , says Yumi, then turns back to the checkers game with Soujiro.

Meanwhile, Kamatari is making a tofu sculpture of Shishio while Chou is cleaning his swords with his tongue. Pretty soon, Chou starts yelping in pain as his tongue starts bleeding but nobody pays any attention to him. In a corner, Usui, who is convinced that he is the reincarnation of the Dark Lord, is trying to talk to his pet snake and summons his Death Eaters to no avail.

Houji, for once, is not in the living room stalking Shishio. Shishio has gotten so tired of his shithead assistant's senseless babbling and had told him to f*ck off and not to show his face in front of him again (yes, that's an order). So now, Houji had chained himself to his desk, hell bent on an entirely new purpose: writing the world's cheesiest, gushiest, trashiest trashy erotic series which chronicles the sexual fantasy escapades of a dumbass Mary Sue and a vampire-stalker Harry Stu. Yes, this book is going to be SICK, rotting the minds of teenage girls, their moms, their grandmas everywhere.

That's how you take over the world, suckas!

But let us go back to the living room, where our cutie pie is fighting to stay awake while waiting for Yumi to make her move. Soujiro doesn't like checkers that much (who plays checkers anyways? geezers) and only plays because he feels sorry for Yumi, whom nobody would play with because she takes forever to make her move. Besides, there are more important things on his mind.

"Umm...Yumi-san...do girls...really have cooties?" He asks sheepishly.

"No, that's complete nonsense! Who told you that bull?"

Soujiro sighs in relief. The hug that Oniko gave him won't make his skin turn purple with yellow polka dots after all. Then he looks at the rest of the Juupongatana with steely eyes. Cooties aren't real. He's been duped. Somebody's gonna pay.

The members of the Juppongatana gulp nervously.

At that moment, two goons arrive at the living room. "Soujiro-sama! You have a visitor."

"Tell them to go home. If they want to die, I'll come for them later."

"She claims to be your fiancee, sir. "

"Oh, all right then."

Out in the Gate of Six (or Seven) Arches, Oniko is racking her brains over what to say to Soujiro. Say the wrong thing and her head will roll. But she has to convince him to cancel the wedding somehow. Her life is on the line.

"How'd you find out about this place?" Soujiro asks.

"I'm a shinobi. I'm good at stalking--I mean, at finding out things."

"Did you have something to say to me?"

"Well yes. I do have something to say." Oniko gathers her courage and takes the plunge. "Look, I can't marry you, Soujiro-san. You've got to call this thing off."

"It's not up to us to decide."

"But WE are getting married! How is that not up to US to decide?"

"When I was going to get married to that other girl, weren't YOU the one who burst in and took her place? Now you're telling to call it off. I don't like it when people mess with me." Soujiro says, all serious now. He really means it.

Oniko's face pales. Soujiro's sudden stoniness intimidates her. In a way, he is right and Oniko, like it or not, was the one who messed it up. What should she do?

Soujiro is waiting.

"I'm really sorry." Oniko bows deeply. "This is my fault and I truly apologizes to you. But I can't marry you. I wish I can tell you why but I can't."

"There's nothing I can do about it then." Soujiro says coldly and walks away.

* * *

"My life is screwed. I'm going to go jump off a bridge now." Oniko says sullenly and slumps against the wall. High Cheekbone Girl is sitting next to her, flipping through a magazine.

"Well, if he falls for another girl, he wouldn't need to marry you, would he?"

"That's it!" Oniko jumps up on her feet. "If only I could get Soujiro-san to fall for somebody else...how would I do that...need something like...drugs...**LOVE POTION**!!!" She snatches the magazine from High Cheekbone Girl's hands, furiously tears through the pages, looking, looking.

"Hey, what the hell-- gimme!"

"Look!" Oniko yells in excitement, jabbing her finger at a particular ad in the magazine. It says, 'for all your romantic needs. EZ Love Potion. Contact us at Miss Plum Blossoms Adult's Boutique.'

"I don't know about this." The stuff is made in China. What with all the food and drug recall nowadays. But Oniko is already out the door, heading to Miss Plum Blossoms with a plan in mind.

* * *

"...and I said, 'Aoshi-sama please come out of that temple because I'm getting REALLY worry about your sanity. Why don't we go to the Obon festival tonight? It'll be so much fun. With any luck, Henya and the guys could pop up and we could all have a shindig...Oniko-kun, stop spacing out, what's wrong with you?!'" Misao stops her babbling midway and snaps her fingers at Oniko, who is constantly eyeing the entrance of the sushi joint they're at.

"Nothing. Sorry Misao-kun." Actually Oniko feels like she is sitting on fire. _'What's taking him so long?'_

To her relief, Soujiro walks in and settles himself at the sushi bar. Fan girls start screaming and melting to puddles of starry-eyed goo on the floor. None of them dares to come too close though, since Soujiro knows better than to go out to public places unarmed.

"I'll have ALL of today's gourmet specials please. And extra caviar on top" , Soujiro says cheerfully.

The chef's eyebrows fly up off his forehead and his mouth drops open in shock. "Are you...sure?"

"Yeah, look at this card I got in the mail! It says 'CONGRATULATIONS! ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI' at The Flying Fish, valid for today only."

The chef takes the card from Soujiro. "I'm sorry but this is a fake."

"Fake? How could they? That's just mean." Soujiro is sad now (or at least as sad as an emotionless person can be).

Immediately Oniko rushes over next to him. "Why good afternoon Soujiro-san!"

"Oh hi there Oniko-san. Look at this, someone played a prank on me. I hope they get attacked by sea creatures and die of embrassment." Soujiro pouts. Fan girls die en masse at his uber cuteness.

At that moment, all the fishes, crabs, lobsters, sea urchins, squids kept behind the counter catapult out of the water tanks and ambush Oniko as if possessed by a pissed off Poseidon. It takes the collective manpower of five people to peel every single creature off of Oniko. She looks like hell, though she isn't dying of embarrassment any time soon as Soujiro had wished.

"Are you alright Oniko-san?"

Oniko shoots him a death glare. _'Calm down, Oniko, you've gone through all this trouble to lure them here, you can't give up now.'_

"Yes...I'm alright, Soujiro-san. I feel terrible that you've been tricked. How about I buy you some sushi?"

"You don't have to...but it'd be really nice. Oh what the hey, can I have all the specials with extra caviar?"

Seeing the outrageous prices, Oniko immediately turns to a stone statue and shatters to pieces.

"Ahaha, Soujiro-san...why don't we just go with one special for now", says Oniko when she finally recovers.

Soujiro pouts again. Fan girls resurrect themselves only to die again.

Furtively, Oniko slips the love potion bottle to the chef whom she had earlier arranged with to make special sushi portions for Soujiro and Misao. Then she grabs Soujiro's arm and starts walking him toward the table where Misao is sitting. Normally Soujiro wouldn't let just anybody grab his arm like that but the prospect of eating gourmet sushi is so great that he just follows Oniko anyway, mellow and happy.

"Where's my sushi? I thought you went to get it, didn't you? Who's this?" Misao asks in that rapid machine gun of hers.

"This is my...fiance, Seta Soujiro-san. Soujiro-san, this is Makimachi Misao-san; she's my friend."

Soujiro nods at Misao and sits down opposite to her, but Misao eyes Soujiro suspiciously.

"Omigod! You're that smiley guy! Shishio's guy!" Misao exclaims, pointing her finger at Soujiro.

"And you're probably somebody I've met but not important enough for me to remember." Soujiro beams at her.

"HOW DARE YOU!!!!" Misao barks, kunai fully loaded and ready to fire.

Oniko pulls Misao back down, "Maa, please, Soujiro-san's a good person, Misao-kun. Look, sushi's here, itadakimasu!"

Soujiro's eyes light up and picks up the first piece of sushi, "Itadakimasu!"

However, Misao wrinkles her nose in distaste, "Who ordered crab sushi? I'm allergic to crabs. Hey mister, can I get some lobster sushi please?"

"Misao-san, if you're not going to eat that, can I have it?" asks Soujiro earnestly, having already finished his portion.

Misao pushes the plate toward Soujiro, who takes it happily--much to Oniko's horror.

"No!" Oniko reaches to stop him, but Soujiro the Sushi Fiend's already gobbled it down, faster than the speed of light.

"Wow that was great!" Soujiro says, full and contented. But then, he suddenly turns green and collapses face first onto the table.

"Soujiro-san!"

"What the--?"

"Soujiro-san, speak to me!" Oniko props Soujiro up and frantically shakes him, but he wouldn't wake up. This is just what she was afraid of. One of them OD'ing on 'made in China' love potion of questionable quality. Not knowing what else to do, she runs to get water and splashes him.

"Umm...uhh..." Soujiro slowly opens his eyes. The first thing he sees is Misao, who is looking none too happy that her lunch constantly gets interrupted.

_Uh oh._ A warning bell goes off in Oniko's head.

Soujiro looks deep into Misao's eyes, his own sparkling with love, "Pretty Misao, would you marry me?"


	8. Hearbreak for Soujiro

ZOMG LIVE ACTION KENSHIN MOVIE: . Here's to hoping it won't be a botched job (crosses fingers).

Yes, I'm still alive. And GUESS WHAT, I actually have an ending in mind now, after like... four years. Next chapter coming soon (as in, sooner than next year). Even though I'm positive nobody sticks around to read Soujiro fics these days.

Do we have any Yugi-Oh fans here? Yami Bakura makes a cameo in this chapter. And finally, death to Mary-Sue.

**

* * *

****Chapter Eight: Hearbreak for Soujiro**

* * *

Soujiro couldn't believe his luck. Misao had asked him to stand in for kunai practice! Never mind that she had tied him up to a pole with an apple balanced on top of his head.

"Hold still. This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me", cackled Misao, who had a devious look on her face.

"No matter. I will gladly die for you, my love", said Soujiro, who had a love sick puppy look on his face.

Misao rolled her eyes as she walked away from Soujiro and stood in position. This guy was giving her goosebumps all over.

"Misao! What are you doing!" Old man Okina shouted as he beheld the spectacle, just as Misao was getting ready to throw. For once, the old man had snapped out of his senility and skirt-chasing obsession to actually notice the crazy stunts that his granddaughter pulled on a daily basis.

"Gramps, I was just..."

Okina launched into a diatribe. "What do you think you're doing, using the Tenken for a practice dummy? Did you forget how Shishio's posse trashed this place last time? I had to take out a thirty year mortgage to rebuild this inn. I'm gonna have to work like a dog to pay it off; I'll never get to go back to enjoying my retirement again!"

"But he's an annoying creep! He keeps following me around, and he's been watching me sleep. I was thinking that a stray dagger might do the trick..."

"Thirty year mortgage Misao!"

"I hate you." Misao grudgingly untied Soujiro, who looked like he was about to die from happiness at her touch.

"Let's go get some sushi, Misao-chan. All that standing still sure makes me hungry", said Soujiro, grabbing Misao's arm.

She jerked back and snapped, "Enough! What do I have to do to get it through your thick skull? I don't like you! You're a messed up psychopath. I'd rather die by Kaoru's cooking than eating with you. Go away and don't ever appear before me again."

Her words hit him like a punch in the gut. Soujiro faltered, couldn't understand what was it about him that disgusted her so much. Any other time he would rather commited suicide before seeing himself reduced to a groveling pansy like this. Soujiro dragged his leaden feet out of the Oniwaban's place. At least he still had his family-Shishio and Yumi, who would take him in, no matter how messed up he was.

* * *

"You replaced me?" Soujiro's eyes were as wide as saucers. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Look, kiddo, I can't have a pansy like you on the family register. And beside, our new adopted son can banish his enemies' soul without breaking a sweat. Yer gotta admit, that's cool." Shishio said off-handedly, nodding his head in the direction of the new kid, who had long flowing white hair and wore a gaudy golden necklace. He was playing some sort of card game with Yumi.

"You can't be serious! Yumi-san, tell Shishio-san he's made a mistake." The fear of abandonment gripped Soujiro's heart. He could hardly breathe.

"Uh huh, whatever Sou. I love this game, Ryo-kun!"

"I can't believe you! This kid IS a pansy! He wears a friggin' necklace!"

At any other time, Soujiro would have kicked himself for being so emotional and used so many exclamation points. But what does it matter, he had acted totally OOC already, had followed Misao around like a love sick puppy, only to get his heart shredded to pieces, and now, his one and only surrogate family was REPLACING him with an effeminate pansy who wears women jewelry. It was too much for an emotionally stoned assassin to bear.

The kid called Ryo rose up, grabbed Soujiro by the collar of his shirt, pinned him down and stradled him. His nice- boy aura had vanished and he growled sadistically.

"A pansy? I had banished others to the Shadow Realm for lesser insults. Would you like to test me, child?"

Soujiro reached for his sword, but the guy held it in a tight lock while his other hand started in the direction of Soujiro's crotch. Despite his wiry frame, he weighed like a ten ton boulder.

"Oooh, I love it when they struggle."

Soujiro was scared shitless. "Help, I'm being raped here!"

"Ho yay, ho yay ho yay!" The crowd of perverted Juppongatana members have gathered around their fallen leader, clamoring for some hot yaoi action.

Yumi came over, smacked the molester on the head, and pulled him off of Soujiro.

"Get off of Sou-chan, you rapist! This fic is PG-13!"

The guy looked like he was going to strangle Yumi: "You wench..."

*Slap*

"You..."

*Slap* *Slap* * Slap* *Slap*

The infamous Yami Bakura collapsed in a heap. Soujiro looked like he was going to die from shame.

Yumi started to console him, "I'm sorry, Sou, but you can still have your room..."

Soujiro brushed her off and walked away from what had been his home for ten years. He was becoming more convinced that he was damned to be lonely forever.

* * *

"This is not going to work..." Oniko scowled at High Cheekbone girl, who was carrying a bento box full of appetizing sushi, which was reserved for Soujiro, and was laced with cheap love potion (no duh!).

"Of course it is going to work. How can your tiny brain possibly fathom the ingenuity of my intellect?" retorted High cheekbone girl, who was in love with Soujiro last time we checked (and apparently still is). "Omigosh there he is! Soujiro-san!"

At this point, Soujiro was absolutely certain that the author of this fic was in a shitty mood today and there would be no foreseeable end to his torture. He kept walking, ignoring High Cheekbone girl.

"I've made you a bento, Soujiro-san! It's full of your favorite sushi!"

"I don't want it."

"Please, it is a token of my love."

High Cheekbone girl kept shoving it in his face and made annoying pouty noises, which pissed Soujiro off. He snatched the bento and threw it away. Iwanbo the Fatso bounced in, swooped up the bento and inhaled the food like a high powered vacuum.

"No! You monster!" High Cheekbone girl ran toward Iwanbo, crying tears of despair.

Iwanbo stared at her, grinning stupidly. He began to roll toward her at the speed of a truck, his arms outstretched for a spine-crushing bear hug.

Oniko shouted at High Cheekbone girl, "Run you idiot!"

Alas, it was too late. High Cheekbone girl sighed her last breath in the pink, fleshy arms of Iwanbo the Fatso. In a sense, it was exactly what she had wished for: dying in the arms of one who loved her.


End file.
